• Damsel In Dating Distress


I previously wrote a piece about how to address being in the "grey area" with someone. If you eventually pluck up the courage to have "the talk", and you finally know where you stand, then that's brilliant news. Whether you're in denial about it or not, a connection turning into commitment is the end goal for the majority of us. With that in mind, let me tell you about the type of person you need stay far away from. It's those entitled individuals who want all the benefits of a relationship but not the commitment.


Many find themselves in an endless tango with a person who isn’t their boyfriend/girlfriend but also isn’t "just a friend". In your mind it feels like you're theirs, but technically you're not. This "thing" between the two of you resembles a relationship, but it's not. Ugh. I've heard and read countless stories where these (non) "relationships" last for months, even years... and unfortunately it always ends up in tears. I've found myself in this dilemma 3 times before so trust me when I tell you the longer you stay in this situation, the harder it will be for you to leave. I would honestly rank this "situationship" worse than the "ghosters" and the "zombies". When you have someone who treats you well, makes the effort to talk to you regularly, plans date nights, cooks you dinner, compliments you, makes you feel special... yet doesn't want to claim you, you need to let them go. When dating, there'll be people who like you and value what you bring to the table, but won't be on the same page as you in terms of where the connection is headed. There are many different reasons why they're not choosing to take it that step further, reasons that have very little to do with you, so don't feel disheartened. In my opinion, it simply boils down to two things:

  1. They don't feel like you're "the one", in others words they're not looking to fully attach themselves to you for the longterm.

  2. You're convenient, ie. they enjoy the security and attention you give them to fill that void.

It could possibly be a combination of both. Sorry to break it to you so harshly but I'm afraid that's the truth. Either way, it's a very confusing and frustrating place to be in. Sometimes they'll even go as far as discussing future plans with you, just bear in mind that if they can't commit to you right now after a good few months... then they're full of shit, don't fall for it.


The sad part is that the one who doesn't get the commitment will assume it's something they've done "wrong", therefore putting blame on themselves. They start questioning whether they should've done more of this, less of that, if they were prettier, or some other negative thought that can be really damaging to their confidence and self-worth. Like I said earlier, the commitment thing has nothing to do with you. If that’s how someone feels, nothing you say or do will change it. The issues they have are their problem, and it’s not your job to play psychiatrist or detective. The "relationship" is either working for you or it’s not. It's easy to fall into the trap of sticking around because of the “potential of what it could be.” I totally get that! But in these scenarios, you have to try and override your emotions with logic. If you've laid your cards out on the table after a few months and they're shutting down the conversation or you still feel like you're not moving in the right direction, then you shouldn't entertain or accept this behaviour/treatment. It's a danger zone because you're likely to (if not already) develop feelings, get caught up, and you'll start believing that their actions suggest they want more with you. Yeah okay, actions speak louder than words; but actions have to line up with words, and if that's not apparent then that shouts inconsistency. When a person is serious about you, you'll know. Sometimes we need to bring ourselves back to reality and see a situation for exactly what it is. Don't try to overanalyse it, don't dwell on the reasons why... at the end of the day, wondering "why" doesn't matter, but the facts do. Likewise your happiness and peace of mind.

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